


Like Charcoal and Black Powder

by ma_jewelry



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2019-02-04 07:03:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12765678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ma_jewelry/pseuds/ma_jewelry
Summary: After a life-changing night with the hottest (and cutest) being he's ever seen, Donghae decides to accept his newfound sexuality and give their relationship a chance.





	1. Ignition

**Author's Note:**

> The chemistry behind fireworks involves: oxidizers, fuel, and colors. Oxidizers are chemicals that carry oxygen, such as potassium nitrate, in a black powder. They combine with fuel, the second component, to release that heat. Sulfur can serve as a fireworks fuel, as can charcoal.
> 
> \- From The Chemistry of Pyrotechnics: Basic Principles and Theory, John A. Conkling

  
The cool touch of the intrusion snapped me out of my reverie. My hazy eyes slowly focused on the dimly lit ceiling as I became aware of the position and situation I was in.  
  
I was lying on my back, on a bed that belonged to a friend of my friend. There was a constant muffled sound of music beating against the closed door, which sealed the room containing just me and… him.  
  
I lowered my eyes towards the (very hot) boy about the same age as me, looking up through his eyelashes, his eyes lined with eyeliner, lust, and anticipation. Above a sharp jawline, his hair was messy, as if someone had intentionally made it into a bird’s nest, and I felt guilty knowing that that someone was me.  I started to fidget as a weird feeling of discomfort became clearer by the minute. There was a finger down there. And it was moving.  
  
I wanted to scream, and did so. Sadly, it was taken by the handsome boy as a sign of pleasure, as he promptly added another digit and began a scissoring motion. I gripped the sheets of the bed tightly with both hands. “Wh…. what are you doing?” my husky voice surprised me, and simultaneously reminded me that I had been screaming and laughing with this boy for the whole night at this party. Today was the first time we had ever met, but we had so much fun together. Well at least until….  
  
“Do you not like it?” he replied, in an even sexier tone. I had to admit, the uncomfortable feeling had almost entirely disappeared, leaving an emptiness and a desire behind. I stared as his originally plump lips curled into a sideways smirk. He was clearly enjoying this. Just like our kiss earlier (ok, I had to admit I liked that too) before we found this room and locked the door.  
  
“mmm…” I groaned, completely aware of what was happening to me. There was a significant amount of heat pooling in my lower body, and I had watched enough porn to know what was happening. I was turned on badly. By a guy. My eyes scrunched up in confusion as this could not be apprehended by my brain. I was straight. Or that’s what I had thought in my 17 years of life, before tonight I met this angel devil of a guy and was attracted enough by him to attempt whatever was happening now.  
  
I rubbed my thighs together in a feeble attempt to create some friction. It was clearly not enough. My cheeks heated up as I heard a low chuckle, because damn that was hot.  
  
“Impatient, are we now?” He grinned, his angular jaw accentuated by the light. “You look so thirsty, I wouldn’t even have guessed that this was your first time.” First time… for what? I vaguely knew what he meant but didn’t want to think about the details too much. Part of me was afraid, and the other part too busy concentrating on the heat that was starting to become unbearable. All I knew was, I needed to be touched. Now.  
  
With shaking hands, I reached for my member but was denied by another large hand. “Here… let me.” My mind whirled crazily as a warm, wet feeling enveloped me, causing me to throw my head back and gasp uncontrollably.  
  
I bucked my hips up, not realizing that it would make the other gag. Sure enough, he pulled back at once with tears in his eyes. “ah… that’s naughty. And naughty children need to be punished.” With that he lifted my legs up onto his shoulders, and slapped my bare buttcheeks before kneading and massaging the area. I moaned, receiving more pleasure than pain from this action.  
  
“Please…” I begged, not really knowing what it was for exactly. I then bit down on my lips while unaware that it made his gaze darken, his eyes glued to my expressions. After a squelch that sounded like something was being squeezed out of a bottle, I felt a cool object underneath me. It rubbed repeatedly on the outside, teasing and taunting the well-stretched entrance.

I grew into a moaning mess on the bed. Writhing and twisting, I tried to shift my hips so that I could feel more of that satisfying friction. But it just wasn’t enough. I opened my eyes, which were already full of tears, and pleaded as I looked at the other boy. He smirked victoriously as if pleased with what he had accomplished, and thrusted in with one go.  
  
I sucked in a short breath. To say it was not uncomfortable would be a lie, since I had never had this experience before, but as time passed and I slowly adjusted, I grew impatient waiting for him to move. I pushed on his shoulders with the under part of my thighs and successfully made him slide out a few centimeters. He then assisted me by slamming back in, and I reacted with a sound so lewd it would normally ashame me, but I didn’t care now.  
  
“Mm… more.” I panted as his speed increased and he pulled out further with each thrust.  
  
There seemed to be nothing except for that fulling feeling which completed me and made me hungry for more, until a sudden bright light blinded my vision, and a wave of pure ecstasy washed through my entire body. He grunted in response, shifting his aim towards that spot and causing tears of pleasure to fall from my eyes.  
  
After only a few more crashes I could not hold back anymore, and moaned one last time before losing all control. Almost at the same moment, he too stopped moving, and we experienced bliss together, as two parts of a whole.  
  
He pulled out after what seemed like an eternity, falling onto the bed next to me, both of us exhausted. Suddenly, he grinned before turning my head towards his to plant a chaste kiss on my lips. I stared at him with wide eyes as a warm feeling rose in my heart, and tried with all the energy I had left to put on my most attractive smile. “So… are you single?”  
  
He broke into laughter, probably from how much I failed at being sexy, and burrowed his head into my shoulders. “No, I’m not.”  
  
My smile froze on my face until he looked up at me again with an intense gaze. “I have a boyfriend already. You.” Nothing could stop the blush that coloured my cheeks, so I hid in his shoulders this time, hoping that this was the right decision to make.  
  
I hoped so hard. 


	2. Hazard

I woke up with a gasp. My mind was fuzzy and I could not remember what had happened last night. All I knew was that my lower body hurt like hell, and there was something warm touching the whole length of my right arm from the top of my shoulder down to my fingertips. Wait. I slept alone

I had to clasp my hands over my mouth in order to keep from screaming and scaring the death out of the person who was lying next to me with half of his face hidden in the pillow. Even if it wasn’t for his position right now, the dark hair that sprawled across his face covered most of it, blocking my view. With the little vision I had, I could still see his thick eyebrows pulled slightly together as a sound emitted from the back of his throat- probably protesting the movement I made when I covered my mouth- that sounded freakishly close to a whine. 

I guess that what they said was true- realization sinks in slowly, but once it does, it hits you like a bag of bricks. No, wait, change that to ten bags. Because that would explain why, after I carefully slid down from the bed, the only thing I could think of was: shit, shit, and shit, what have I done? In lightning speed I pulled on my clothes, grabbed my phone, and sprinted out of the house while trying not to trip over the unconscious bodies littered all over the floor. Parties were fun, I knew that, but the aftermath was seriously comparable to a scene on the war field.

I texted my brother, asking him to come pick me up. As I noticed the 20 missed calls from my mum, more strings of swear words flew from my mouth as I considered myself doomed. She would probably never let me go to parties for the rest of my life ever again. I would lose all my friends because I was not cool anymore. And I would never see him again- 

My body stopped pacing around nervously and froze. Him. What was I going to do about him? Instantly, the reality came crashing down on me, once again because I somehow managed to forget it when I saw all the missed calls, and I felt even more doomed than before. I lost my virginity. To a guy. And I liked it.

My brother asked me, when he saw me, why I was sitting with my head in my knees on the sidewalk all alone. I ignored him and continued to wallow in self-pity for how horrible my life had turned out.

***

Once I got home I rushed to my room and locked the door, not caring about the questioning looks on my mother’s face as I passed her in the kitchen, one of her hands holding a chopping knife. I knew it was stupid but the sight made me even more uneasy.

“Donghae? Donghae, open the door.”

The knocks she sent though the thin piece of wood travelled directly to my back, like the ongoing beats of a drumroll before something was about to be revealed. My legs gradually gave way underneath me, and I sank down to the floor with my head in my hands. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to face the clear explanation of what had happened last night. My life had changed- and I was sure that it was for the worse.

The knocking sounds and worried voice stopped after a while. I could hear her footsteps fading into the distance as she went back to making lunch, probably thinking that I was purely feeling guilty about staying the night without telling her. Yet there was so much more.

With the disappearance of her presence, I was able to think somewhat clearer in private. I shifted my position onto my hands and knees, as it was hurting too much for me to continue sitting down. Staring at a dent in the wooden floor- one that was so small it was insignificant yet stood out conspicuously from the planks of wood- I watched as a drop of liquid exploded on the mark, soon followed by a storm of others. I bit my bottom lip to avoid being too loud while my insides turned to water and all rushed to escape through my eyes.

What did I do wrong? What mistake had I made in order to deserve this?

A little pool formed on top of the dent, almost an attempt to cover it up. How I wished I too could cover up my… condition. As I squeezed my eyes shut to stop looking at the puddle, more helpless tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t hide it. When I grew up they would expect me to marry a girl and have children. I'd never be able to hide it forever. And when everyone found out… when they found out…

I was still sobbing as my mother knocked on my door once again to announce lunch, and that she wasn’t angry with me so it was alright to come out. I laid on the ground like a lifeless puppet, having no idea where to go now that all control had left me. I had no identity any more. No one would love me any more; no one would accept me for who I was. ‘Except that boy’, a weak voice in the back of my mind quivered, ‘even though you’ve only know him for one night.’ No, not even him. I didn’t believe that someone who would… do that on the first meeting could be my support. I didn’t believe that that boy, who had the looks of an angel, would be content with me, a pathetic weakling who could do nothing but cry on the floor of his room.

With a heavy heart I lifted myself up, grabbed some tissues, and trudged into the bathroom. After wiping the whole of my face, I realised it wasn’t enough, so I washed it too. It was impossible to hide the redness and puffiness of my eyes, but there was nothing I could do about that. I took a deep breath and unlocked the bedroom door. 

“Donghae, you’re just in time. Can you go get some chopsticks? Also take this to the table.”

I knew that she noticed my eyes, but was pretending to ignore it. It was times like this that I wanted to shout for the world to know how grateful I was to have the best mother of all- she was so sensitive and understanding towards my emotions it made my eyes glassy again.

Lunch was much more quiet than usual. I hadn’t noticed that I talked that much when we normally ate, but the silence that surrounded us every now and then proved how chatty I used to be. I quickly finished the last piece of fish, which was almost tasteless in my mouth despite it being my favourite food, and washed my plates in a hurry.

After scurrying up the stairs I once again hid in the confines of my room. Just as I contemplated where I should lie down to continue being depressed and unproductive, my phone vibrated in my pockets. I pulled it out, and on the screen there displayed a text message from "Hyukjae <3" that had my knuckles turning white even though I hadn't yet read the whole message.

"hey, how are you? I hope last night wasn't...."

Well there went my plan to just forget about last night and the fact that he existed. He knew my phone number. Of course, how could I forget. After all, I was the one who gave it to him.

I opened the message, feeling hapless but curious.

"hey, how are you? I hope last night wasn't just my dream, although it sure feels like one xD sorry that I texted so late, but I couldn't leave sungmin's house in a mess so I have just finished tidying up. what are you up to?"

I never thought that someone like him, who went so far on the first night, would be so responsible. Ugh. What should I say back to him? Should I even reply him? 

Out of an evil mindset that he should not be allowed to be this happy while I was suffering, and the fact that my whole life was now basically a joke, I asked, "Who is this?"

Then there was nothing but silence for a couple of minutes, which felt so long I thought he was never going to text back again.

"... this is Lee Hyukjae, 18 years old, fifth year in college. is this not Donghae? did I get the wrong number? D:"

My face, still dark only a second ago, could not help but break into a half-smile at how cute he sounded. I could just imagine him with a confused look in his single-lidded eyes, typing uncertainly into his phone. But who even told all of their private details to a (possible) stranger! He sure was different from anyone I had ever met.

“just joking. it’s Donghae.” I paused. What else was there to say? ‘How are you?’ Too formal. ‘Where are you?’ Too creepy. ‘What are you doing?’ Well, it wasn’t like I was genuinely curious about that…. Wait- I got it. ‘I’m kinda freaked out that we had sex last night and I would be glad if you left me alone but I find you really attractive and want to see you?’ Perfect.

I pressed send.

(without adding anything to those four words, of course)

This time his reply was instant. “oh, hi baby :) I hope you don’t mind me calling you that. you can call me whatever you want, too ;)”

I cringed. Seriously? Baby? When did I ever give the impression that I wanted him to call me baby? If he were here right now I would definitely be raising my eyebrows at him.

“um… please don’t call me that x.x and I’ll just call you hyukjae, thank you very much”

“:( but… I want us to have nicknames for each other. please? or you can choose anther one”

His pout was nearly visible in my mind. Damn him and his aesthetics. I sighed, giving in.

“fine. I can be donghaek, since others often tell me I’m like dynamite”

“but that doesn’t sound cute at all! did you know, a nickname should best end in a vowel, so when you say it, you can draw out the last sound and it’ll sound really cute. like hyukkie~ xD you’re really cute when you stutter like your tongue’s caught… so what about I call you donghyeo and you call me hyukkie?

“…ew”

“T^T”

I was surprised at how many times I had giggled in the past hour. It was as if he managed to simply wipe away all my worries and uncertainties by standing in front of them with a banner that read: “Forget about them! Look at me instead!”

It was hours before my mother called me to come out for an afternoon snack. I hadn’t even noticed time had passed so much, being immersed in teasing and getting teased through my cell phone.

“Why are you so happy?” my brother asked, pleasantly confused.

I just grinned even wider and grabbed another slice of sponge cake. Maybe this wasn’t the end of my life. Maybe, it was just the beginning.


	3. Launch

The next morning when I saw him at school, I questioned if I had been blind all these years. Because how the _hell_ had I not seen him around with that dazzling smile? He was surrounded by a circle of friends, all laughing with each other and giving playful shoves. One I recognized to be the host of that party, a boy with soft features who was dating the prettiest girl at our school, Kim Saeun. The only other familiar face belonged to a short boy (who may have even been shorter than me, and that’s saying something), bouncing up and down animatedly as he talked, reminding me of the time he performed passionately in the Agatha musical. The others I did not know, though most of them were popular faces that appeared on the school website sometimes, and I was just about to continue walking past them when I heard my name being called out.

“Donghae! There you are!” For a moment I forgot where I was and what I was doing, completely dazed from the gummy smile he gave me as he pushed out of the circle and led the mob towards me. I grew slightly anxious as I was afraid he would tell everyone about us so soon, so I was on full guard when he introduced me after slinging an arm around my shoulder.

“Guys, this is Donghae. He’s my-”

“Friend.” My smile might have seemed a bit forced as I rushed to cut him off. However, he pulled slightly away from me and looked so hurt that I hastily corrected myself, ignoring how fake he looked.

“ _Close_ friend.”

The boy who had been in the musical- the only one on my height level- pressed his lips into a thin line while his eyes were, if I wasn’t mistaken, sparkling. It obviously bothered Hyukjae too, since his voice soon sounded close to my ear as my left shoulder was squeezed.

“Ryeowookie, stop staring, you’re going to freak him out.”

All I could do was blink my eyes stupidly and stare into space. I couldn’t help it, and I knew how dumb it sounded, but I just couldn’t stay calm when his low voice was so damn close it felt like my whole head was buzzing with the hum of his echo. It felt like he was tickling my ear with his voice and I shuddered internally.

He then introduced me to his friends- Siwon, Shindong, Ryeowook, Sungmin, Yesung… but I knew I was going to forget which name belonged to which face the moment he stopped talking. Suddenly, I almost jumped when a head popped up to my left, just close enough for me to grow wary yet still in my comfort zone. He was smiling in a way that maybe was supposed to look friendly, but really it just made me even more suspicious.

“Do you want to come see my turtles?”

Before I could reply, Hyukjae yanked me away from him by the arm.

“That’s nice of you to ask, Yesung, but no thanks. Maybe some other time.” He was about to turn away but paused for one last thing. “Oh, and remember, you’re not allowed to touch him, ok? I’ll see you guys later in class.”

He had let go of my arm, but still had his arm slung around me and was holding my shoulder firmly. I gave up after a half-hearted struggle and decided I liked it.

“What did you mean he’s not allowed to…. touch me? What does he normally do?” I probably should have noticed how weird he was after he asked for me to go look at his turtles. Did that mean he carried turtles to school?

My face must have looked a bit too nervous, because he squeezed his hand again and chuckled at the same time, “Don’t worry, it’s not what you think. Yesung is a nice guy, but he sometimes likes to touch other people’s…. philtrum.” 

My eyebrows rose up slightly. “What’s that?” I had never heard of that word before.

“It’s just the bit below your nose.”

After I still looked at him with a confused expression, he lifted a finger to show me. And like the overly cliché devil he was, his fingers of course _had_ to ‘slip’ and land on my lips. I wanted to open my mouth and bite his fingers off as a punishment because there were so many freaking people around us, but I contained my anger and only swatted his hand away instead. He was teasing me, I knew from the look in his eyes, and I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of making me lose control.

He chuckled loudly- pleased, and squeezed my shoulder one last time before leaving to the sound of the first bell.

***

He didn’t say anything, or move a muscle. He just sat there with his chin-lengthed hair that never failed to attract a swarm of girls (which was a bit ironic), patiently, expectantly, waiting for me to speak. But I wasn’t going to give in to his stares so easily, even if this silent stalemate was making me nervous.

At last I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“What?” I asked without looking at him.

He raised his right eyebrow by a few millimeters, but still remained wordless. I sighed.

“Fine, I give up. It’s what you think it is.”

“And what’s that?” Heechul broke into a triumphant grin.

I exhaled heavily with my lower lip jutted out, showing my discontentment while I tried to think of a way to justify myself, but I couldn’t.

“I don’t want to say this to you, but….. oh what am I saying I’ve been waiting to say this all my life. I told you so~” He chimed in a singsong voice.

I tried again to protest, but failed as he was not wrong. As my childhood friend who was a year older than me, Heechul had been like a brother to me all my life. And all my life, I have had to deal with his jokes and flamboyant proudness of his own homosexuality and his confidence that I was the same. He had repeatedly stated that there was a potential to be attracted to all genders inside everyone, but just how significant was different for each person. As the years went by, his theory plus his sureness grew, and maybe, that was also one of the reasons I had agreed to… experiment with Hyukjae that night. At the thought of this my hand lifted up subconsciously to the top of my shoulder. Me and him… would it really work?

“You have no idea how proud I am, Donghae-ah. You got yourself a boyfriend so quickly after you accepted who you were. Even if he is ugly like a monkey, but still…” Heechul was still gushing over me. How was I supposed to tell him that no, I didn’t ‘accept who I was’, I didn’t really understand everything yet, and I was still doubtful of my boyfriend, Lee Hyukjae?

“Heechul…” my voice trailed off desperately. He finally calmed down enough to take in my expression, and ruffled my hair in adoration and reassurance.

“Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I’ve been there before, so trust me.  it may seem daunting but it will be alright as long as you follow your heart, and make choices with no regrets.”

I ducked down to escape from his claws and tidied my hair, putting a few stray strands in place. Heechul had never been wrong before and I trusted him. It was a lot easier when the person of trust was someone other than yourself.

***

what are you doing?

the same thing as you. in class. so

stop messaging me and concentrate

on your studies.

but I miss you…

hyukjae, it’s been two hours. we

just saw each other at lunchtime.

yeah, it’s been a WHOLE two hours!

btw you said my name wrong, 

donghyeo ;)

…..WOW =_=

do you want to go get a drink after

school? i know this nice café just

down the road

I have photography club today….

 

A bubble with reappearing dots showed, not disappearing for a long time, indicating that the other was writing a message (and most likely re-editing it over and over again). It made me feel guilty because he was probably saying it was fine, lying to me, when we both knew how much he wanted to go out together. Why was I being so mean to him anyways? It wasn’t like I wasn’t missing him also. I made a decision.

 

we don’t do much in club anyways,

I’m sure I won’t miss out on much

this week. i'll see you :)

yay <3

 

I stared at the last message, wondering what had been deleted, when a voice made every single hair on the back of my neck rise.

“Lee Donghae, just because you scored well in the last test does not mean you are allowed to use your phone in class. Detention after school, give me your phone."

I panicked, thinking about nothing other than the fact that this would force me to ditch Hyukjae after school. “Wait, I’m very sorry Miss, but could I please just text one more message?”

“Was I not clear? Hand in the phone. You’re lucky that detention is in this classroom, so you won’t even have to get up after this period.”

I bit down on my lips but obeyed her nonetheless. My eyebrows scrunched up into a tight knot as I hid my face staring into the textbook in front of me, unable to read a single printed word.

What could I do to tell Hyukjae? He would be so disappointed if I just stood him up like this. Even if it was out of my control, I felt like there were ants gnawing at my heart when I thought about those large eyes, waiting expectantly for me, yet would fall in disappointment when I never showed up. I fidgeted in my seat, palm growing sweaty and pen scribbling nonsense on the piece of paper in front of me, as I couldn’t think of any solution. To me, this seemed like the worse thing possible at this moment of my life, and it surprised me just how uncomfortable I felt. I stayed as if I was slowly simmering in a pot of anxiety until the bell rang and the pot reached boiling point.

My head was down with one hand supporting my forehead, but I could sense everything going on around me... The scraping of chairs as everyone got ready to leave. The hurried footsteps of people who were either eager to get home, or to meet up with their friends. Some more footsteps a while later of students who entered for detention. The last scrape of a chair as one of them sat down in the seat next to me.

I huffed out a breath, not understanding why this person would sit so close to someone else when there were more than enough empty seats around for personal space. My annoyance grew when he didn’t move at all, not getting anything out of his bag while I got the feeling that he was staring at me instead.

I lifted my head to educate him that it was “impolite to stare”, but got a pleasant surprise. Happiness and relief washed over me as my eyes met with the ones of my boyfriend, who had a stupid grin on his face as if to say “I’m so glad you’re here as well”, mirroring my expression.

The supervising teacher arrived, an old man who was known for how easy-going he was on his students, and sunk into his chair without sparing us one look. I smiled to myself as it was now perfectly safe to pass notes in the next hour.

 

so… you got caught as well?

haha how did you know. I guess this again shows how we’re meant to be together

oh wow you seriously can’t stop, can you

 

I gave him a disapproving look, to which he answered effortlessly with a sparkling smile full of gums. My defeat was admitted instantly.

 

we probably can’t go today right?

we can always go tomorrow, but I don’t mind this too because I’m with you :D

._______.

xD ♡

 

I got out a red pen and filled inside the outline of his heart.

 

I don’t like it when people draw hearts like that. isn’t it much better when it’s filled in?

I don’t see any difference…

 

I pouted angrily and glared at him again. His lips were pressed into a line but he could not hide the curves on the edges. He was teasing me again.

I sighed, not knowing what to do with him, but also grateful to have met someone who was able to make my life so much more interesting.

 


	4. Test Run

What came next was possibly the happiest week of my life. The truth was, for reasons that Heechul could never understand, there weren’t a lot of girls who had tried to ask me out. He would always exclaim from time to time (particularly on valentines day each year) when he saw the almost non-existent amount of letters or chocolates that I received. “Are they blind?!” was a phrase that I would without exceptions hear every single year, at almost every occasion when gifts were expected to be given out. I knew this too, but it never worried me. From the beginning of my memories, I had preferred to make friends with males and not females. It wasn’t to say that I didn’t talk to the other gender at all, but I’d just always never chosen to play with them for my first choice. So it didn’t surprise me when so little people noticed me and asked me out, and because I didn’t have any intentions with anyone (no matter which gender), the result was a very boring love life in my seventeen years of life.

Of course, this all changed with Hyukjae.

For the first time, I knew what it was like to stand with a pounding heart, waiting for my date to arrive. I knew the jolt you got when you saw a bunch of flowers, before they revealed that face which appeared in your mind every single night. Sometimes I would be the one to surprise him, leading him to the top of the hill with my hands over his eyes, introducing my favourite personal place that was now going to be shared between two people. And sometimes, it didn’t feel like we were two individual people when our hands were molded into each other’s, seemingly inseparable as I looked into his eyes and saw the whole world. _My_ whole world.

Not that it was different for him. After all, nobody could fake his genuine smile when he saw me, as if I was his lamp post that lighted up the way. Or how unbelievable that he could remember every single thing that I had told him about me, even if I only mentioned it once. He seemed to be like a mirror, one that taught me things I never knew about myself when I looked at him, allowing me to discover myself in the most extraordinary way possible

Lee Hyukjae was to me unquestionably a gift from the heavens. I couldn’t imagine what I had done in the past life to deserve him now, but the one thing I was sure that he was indeed mine. All mine.

***

“Hyukjae?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t freak out, ok? But I want to ask you something.”

“Are you going to propose to me?”

“What?! No! Oh my god Hyukjae.”

“Haha, I’m just joking. Ow, stop hitting me. What is it?”

“…. Actually, that _was_ what I was going to do.”

“……”

“You believed me didn’t you! Ha, now we’re even.”

“No I didn’t, of course. If you really wanted to I would probably be in flames right now from the candles that you knocked over in your failed attempt to be romantic. Come on, what were you going to say?”

“I would never knock down candles! If I was going to propose, I would fill up a whole soccer field in Barcelona with roses, and then come down from the sky…”

“Ok, ok. Now what was it?”

“I was going to ask you… have you ever thought about…… having children?

The playful atmosphere vanished almost instantly and I could feel his body freeze beside me. I wouldn’t blame him if he got up and ran out of here, but it had been troubling me for so long I could not resist bringing it up.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that… all my life… my dream was to have lots of children… I’m not asking anything of you, I’m just…” I started to panic. Why had I even brought this up? What was I trying to make him say? I hated myself sometimes when I blurted out things before passing them through the sane part of my brain. I wanted to cry.

His dark bangs were covering his eyes and his head was down, so I couldn’t see any expressions. All I wanted to do was turn back the time and stop myself from saying those stupid words.

When he lifted his head, he was smiling.

“Donghae, it’s alright. I understand. From the way you were so happy when you played with those kids yesterday, I knew how much you liked children. I can guess how much you have thought about this, and that you just want to talk to someone, but I think before we do that, you have to do one thing for me.”

I only noticed I had been biting down on my bottom lip when I let go of it to speak. “What is it?”

He was no longer looking into my eyes, but to the side. It made me even more nervous.

“I want to… be introduced to your mother.”

***

I looked up at the black and white cylinder that seemed to twist onwards forever. When I was younger it had always fascinated me how there was no beginning or end to the swirling shapes, as if to say endings can only be avoided if they did not begin.

Hyukjae squeezed my hand and dragged me away from my thoughts and into the hair salon.

“Are you sure?” He asked for the millionth time, doubt evident in his eyes. He’d told me repeatedly that I didn’t have to do this for him, and that there were so many other options available, but I assured him.

“Yes, I’ve always wanted to dye my hair a different colour anyways. This will be a good thing. I promise.”

I was not sure. My brother would not be a problem, since he would either care too little to say anything or not care about it at all. But my mother…… since my father died, all of her attention has been on her two children. I knew she cared for me deeply, but maybe it was a bit too much. I had no idea what I would do without her, which shows how dependent I was towards her. The last person I wanted to disappoint was my mother.

With one last look at Hyukjae, I made up my mind. Whatever her reaction, she shouldn’t be disappointed. Dying my hair may sound rebellious, but there were plenty of other students who also did it. It would be a good first step to see her response towards me being different than what she expected. This was my plan to see how she would take it, which would prepare me a bit before I told her everything else and introduce Hyukjae.

“What colour would you like?” the stylist asked.

“Blonde.” Hyukjae replied before I could. “Blonde would suit you.”

He then leaned down to whisper in my ear “Now instead of a fish, you can be a goldfish.”

I rolled my eyes at him in reflex. I was glad that at least one of us was still calm enough to make jokes. Hyukjae seemed like he was not worried about it, which meant either he really didn’t or his acting was too good. There was the possibility that he was hiding it for my sake, and I trusted him enough to believe in the latter. Throughout the process he kept trying to make me laugh, succeeding and earning many scoldings from the staff about keeping my head still while the dye soaked in. At last, it was finished and I was asked to go outside to see how it looked in the sun.

The stylist brought out a mirror so I could see it myself. In the afternoon light, my hair practically glowed, emitting its own rays like there were bulbs hidden amongst the medium-lengthed locks. Opposite me, Hyukjae gaped at me with an open mouth for a few seconds, before transitioning into a full beam showing a sparkling row of teeth. The pride was clear in his gummy smile, giving me hints of courage to face what came next.

He took one of my hands in his, clasping it so tight that I felt a sense of security.

“Let’s go.” His confidence seemed to rub off on me as I nodded, prepared for the worst while hoping for the best.

***

“Donghae? Is that you? Dinner’s ready on the table, and can you call Donghwa? He should be in his room.”

“Yeah, it’s me. Before we have dinner, can I first tell you something…”

“Just tell me while we’re having dinner. Donghwa! Come downstairs!”

“Wait, mum. Can you turn around?”

She finally put down the pan after turning everything off. "What is it that you have to talk about it right now…...”

“Oh.”

I couldn’t look up at her, even with Hyukjae standing behind me to give me support. My heart raced as all sorts of different scenarios played out in my mind. What if she started to shout at me? What if she just ignored me? What if-

“Who is this boy?”

My head shot up with surprise. This was something I hadn’t expected. Her face was stern, but not angry and definitely not disappointed. It was certainly not a bad reaction.

“Um… this … his name is Hyukjae. Lee Hyukjae. He goes to my school…”

“Hyukjae? What a handsome young man. Would you like to join us for dinner?”

“Oh, um, I shouldn’t… I mean… I can, but…” he looked at me for approval.

“Yeah, stay for dinner.” The tension in the room was starting to make me nervous and it would be better if at least someone who understood me was here.

“Ok then, sorry for the inconvenience.” He bowed towards my mother.

“It’s not inconvenient at all. Donghwa, it took you long enough. Go get another pair of chopsticks for Lee Hyukjae, he’s Donghae’s friend and he’s joining us for dinner.”

“Oh.” Like I had guessed, Donghwa gave almost no response. I wondered how my mother would react when she found out that Hyukjae was more than just a “friend”.

“Donghae, did you dye your hair?” Sometimes I didn’t know if my brother was joking or not. Did he care about anything at all?

Even though it was a risky subject, I answered him anyways. “No, I found it like this when I woke up this morning. What do you think? Of course I did.”

We were all settled at the table but nobody had started eating. The three of us waited for my mother to speak. The silence weighed down on us heavily - well, at least Hyukjae and me.

“Why blonde?” she asked, her expression unreadable.

“I… I’m sorry.” I panicked.

She sighed and gestured for us to start eating. I concentrated on my bowl of soup, drinking spoonful after spoonful, since it meant I didn’t have to look up at anyone.

“Donghae, there’s no need to be sorry. You’re old enough to make decisions yourself, but it would be better if there was some warning beforehand.”

It was like a boulder had lifted slightly off my heart and my chest was finally- if only partially- free. I watched as my mother and brother started to chat with Hyukjae, and soon the tension in the room disappeared completely, the sounds of laughter acting as replacements. I joined in sometimes, but everyone could see I was half-hearted. Hyukjae was the only one who knew that after hearing what my mother had said, there was no reason for me to be hesitant about revealing the rest to her. But I was still afraid; the butterflies in my stomach churned round and round the little dinner I had managed to swallow.

Sometimes I didn’t know if I even had any choices. It felt as though everything I did was the only option there was, because everything else was obviously the worse thing to do. It was uncomfortable to feel like all my actions were predestined. But I suppose that if you really thought about it, it made sense because the ‘right’ thing to do wasn’t one hundred percent correct- it was just the ‘most’ correct in that situation. And as long as you made that decision- the one which you believed to be the best, there should be no reason to have any regrets. After all, the person with the best judgment was none other than yourself; no one else understood it unless they went through everything like you had, which was impossible unless they _were_ you. So in the end, any decision was a correct one.

Even though I knew all of this, nothing could stop the hurricane that was getting more and more out of control in my stomach. My palms were covered with cold sweat, albeit the temperature is not high at all. I felt like being sick, but I knew there was no way for me to hide from this forever. And my mother was not blind- she knew something was off, so I had better get it out while Hyukjae was still here.

Hyukjae. He had been silently supportive the entire night; I could feel his concerned gaze whenever he thought I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t dare to talk with him in private, afraid that someone might notice something. This continued until after dinner, when the last of the dishes were dried and put away, Donghwa was in the lounge watching TV, and I really could not put it off any longer.

My hands slightly shook as I joined Hyukjae to face my mother, with the dining table in between her seat and ours.

“I… I have something to say.”

The look she sent me seemed to pierce past my eyes, and I was suddenly scared that she could read my mind. I swallowed, throwing away my absurd thoughts.

There was an awkward pause that lasted for a whole half minute as she waited and I struggled to open my mouth. I couldn’t do it. I glanced sideways at Hyukjae for help.

“I apologize for not introducing myself properly earlier. My name is Lee Hyukjae, I am in the last year of college, and I am 18 years old. I care a lot about Donghae, which is why… I have asked him to be my boyfriend. We would really appreciate it if you could accept and support us.”

My heart sank when she stood up without a word.


	5. Backfire

My heart beat so hard in my chest, every throb felt like it was punching my insides in an attempt to get out. My eyes became hazy as a thin layer of tears coated the surface- not enough to spill over, but still able to show how conflicted I was. Whenever I found myself in extremely uncomfortable situations I would get a weird feeling, as if I could step back from myself and see the scene from an outsider’s point of view. And now, looking at us three, I wondered if it was all worth the drama.

She approached me directly after she got out of her chair. There was so little hesitation in her movements it made me even tenser if that was possible. Hyukjae was breathing loudly next to me, as if he wanted to do something- anything- but he knew he had to wait and see what would happen.

I thought about all the worse case scenarios that I had heard about, and prepared for it. If I lost everything, at least I still had Hyukjae, right?

My mother leaned down and took me firmly into her arms. My tears instantly spilled over. “Shh… it’s ok.” Her shoulders were getting wetter but I was not in a condition to notice. “Donghae, I’m disappointed you felt you could not trust me. Whatever happens, I will always be on your side, never forget that.” Feeling her soft touch, head pressed into the side of my own, I sobbed loudly from the overpowering waves of relief. If I hadn’t worried so much then I wouldn’t be so emotional right now, but I was glad. After all, the best peaks in life were the ones that happened after a great fall.

***

“Didn’t your mother already say she would support you on this? Why are you still so nervous?” He squeezed my left hand and kept holding onto me as we walked together to school.

After Hyukjae left last night, we stayed up for a long time, although I was mostly just crying and listening while my mother reassured and comforted me. She brought up some issues that I had not even thought about before, which was understandable since she had so many more years of experience than me when it came to people. She warned me that there would definitely be ones who were against us, but that should not stop my happiness. The people who really loved me will continue to do so, and that was all that really mattered.

Which was the reason why I agreed to not hide my relationship with Hyukjae in public.

I was already regretting it.

“Donghae, relax. All my close friends know about me, and they’ve never shown any opposition to it. Some have chosen to just ignore it, which is even easier to handle. Don’t worry. If anything happens, I’ll be there with you too.”

“Really?” I knew it was pointless to ask, but it slipped out anyways. I didn’t _want_ to rely completely on Hyukjae all the time, yet it was easier for me. Besides, I knew he was willing to.

We were only a few steps from the main road, where there were cars and other students also going to school. For now, we were partially in private and so he took this last chance to pull me close to him and before I knew it, something soft pressed against my cheek.

“I can’t believe you’re still blushing at a kiss, considering we’ve…”

“Shut up! You’re not helping.”

“Yes I am.” His eyes crinkled.

“…” I pouted, turning away from him.

All of a sudden I spotted someone walking straight towards us and tried to pull my hand out from his on instinct. He tightened his grasp, wordlessly reminding me why we were doing this, and I stopped the struggle while feeling guilty and worried.

“It’s ok. We can do this together.” But I could hear the same nervousness that I had in his voice too.

After what felt like an eternity, the stranger- a boy about the same age as us- passed us after a confused flick towards our intertwined hands. He then pretended to not notice, but stepped away from us further than needed to when he passed us, putting at least a metre distance in between.

Well, that was definitely not the worst that could have happened, but it was still uncomfortable. I knew I should be grateful to not receive any negativity, even if it was a basic respect that everyone should get. It was unfair; we knew that. Prejudice was always ugly, and there was nothing anyone could do to change it except with the power of time.

“Are you ready?” Hyukjae asked before we stepped inside the school grounds. There were already some people looking at us. I swallowed with a dry throat and nodded, taking the first step forward.

***

“I knew it! I freaking knew it! See? I told you guys and nobody believed me!”

“Ryeowook, technically, we didn’t say we didn’t believe you…. we just-”

“You just all ignored me. Same thing. After this you guys can never doubt me again when I say Hyukjae and Donghae suit each other so well they must be in a relationship.”

“But you can’t say that again, because we know it already.”

“…… Yesung, if you don’t speak nobody will think you can't talk.”

Even with Hyukjae’s warning, I was awed how smoothly his friends took the news. The only person I was willing to tell was Heechul, and he had already known, so there was no need for me to tell anyone. But Hyukjae’s friends… apart from the one named Siwon, all practically jumped up to either punch Hyukjae for making a move so quickly, or to hug me and congratulate me. (or, in Ryeowook’s case, to swoon in self-pride at how accurate he was).

By the end of the day, which passed in mostly laughter and tears of laughter brought on by Hyukjae, his friends, and Heechul (who joined our group half-reluctantly), I really thought I could not be happier. Never in my life had I thought that I would get a boyfriend, and that it would work. Now everything was alright- my family accepted us, our friends didn’t hate us, and we were looking at a bright future ahead. There seemed to be so little things that could go wrong.

I had to stop myself from skipping in happiness after school finished and I was heading home. Hyukjae had a dance club to go to this afternoon, so he did not walk with me today. Even if I was a bit disappointed I would never tell him. His ego was high enough already.

As I smiled to myself, thinking about how confident he seemed when he was with me, a house down the street caught my eyes. A weird feeling rose inside as I got closer and closer, until I realize that the house which had graffiti all over it was _my_ house and _I’d_ be the one who had to clean it all up. I swore under my breath, cursing the kids who probably thought they were so rebellious and cool. I was annoyed, but not enough to ignore the question of why my house was the only one that was damaged- every other one around was untouched. Why us?

My question was answered when I was close enough to read the words. I wished that I had never asked. They stabbed into my eyes like needles, penetrating all the way to my heart.

**_slut_ **

**_useless_ **

**_gay_ **

**_faggot_ **

**_disgusting_ **

I knew tears were welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want them to, but I was powerless, just like those words painted me to be. No, I would not give them the satisfaction of hurting me. But however hard I tried, the drops kept falling even as I bit my lips so hard I tasted iron on my tongue.

I noticed the broken window on the left corner of the house, and dragged myself closer to have a better look. Inside the room, on the floor, there were scattered pages of paper everywhere, flashing the printed words “GO DIE” at me from all directions.

A pang shot through my chest as my anger rose at these cowards who hid behind anonymity. How could they feel like they had the right to do this to me? I stormed into the house and threw my bag on a chair, taking out a scrub and cleaning liquid. With an almost desperate determination, I started to wash off any effect they wished to cast onto me in the last ten minutes. I scrubbed so hard the tips of my fingers all turned red, yet I could not erase all the marks on the walls completely. The window would also remain broken. Even if it could be replaced, I could not do that on my own and this was the last straw that broke me into a pile of useless, crying mess.

There was sniggering away in the distance.

“Look at him, crying so pathetically, probably for his _boyfriend_ ”

“He can’t do anything without his _boyfriend_ , except to spread his legs…. haha”

“hahaha yeah. He deserves it. I always knew something was _wrong_ with him.”

“He’s such a slut that even Lee Hyukjae, who’s so perfect at everything, got _infected_ by him.”

“This is so disgusting I can’t watch anymore, let’s go, before I puke from his ugly face”

“Yeah, let’s get away from him”

I was surprised that with how much force my fingers were digging into the palms of my hand, no blood had come out. Yet. I wanted to scream at them, to make them apologize, to use force even though they were girls, but I couldn’t do it. Even if I did anything to them, there would be more the next day, and more after that. It made me want to laugh looking back at my naïve self who thought my family and friends were everything. The world consisted of so many people; so many that would be against me, yet I only looked on the bright side because I was afraid of the darkness behind.

I didn’t know how I managed to drag myself up to my room. I just wanted to get away from it all, but with a jolt I remembered Hyukjae. He might be experiencing the same things as I did, if not worse since he was better known in school. I rushed to open my phone to warn him, but got distracted momentarily by the sheer amount of text and notifications. Some were names I recognized, that I had spoken to perhaps once or twice, and some were obviously created for the sole purpose of sending me hate. I didn’t want to read them, knowing what they all said, but couldn’t help but wince at the incomplete sentences jumping out from the screen, which mirrored the walls outside.

With shaking fingers, I went to Hyukjae’s name and typed a short message, asking where he was and if he was alright, then shut the phone and threw it in a corner. I buried my face into the pillow as I tried to forget about all that had happened, soon falling asleep from the exhaustion.

Little did I know that this was only the beginning, there were many more days like this to come. It could have been avoided and stopped if Hyukjae and I gave up on each other, but because of our stubbornness and what I accepted (too late) as ignorance, we chose to remain suffering, fighting, believing that one day we would prevail.

Weeks passed. It only got worse.

 


	6. Fireworks

It was getting hard to breathe.

Every time I saw him, the taunting voices, the painful shoves and kicks, and the death threats would come back to haunt me. His presence no longer reminded me of our affections and promises, but of the nightmares I tried so hard yet failed to forget.

So it was only expected that we asked for a timeout.

Not from our relationship, just contacting each other. We thought that if we didn’t see each other, or talk to each other for a while, maybe the bullying would cease. Maybe people would slowly forget about us and move on to find a new target.

Maybe our lives could go back to normal.

***

I missed him so much.

I missed the way his eyes would crease when he described his dreams of going to the moon. I missed the way his body covered in a sheet of sweat after he danced to his passion. I missed the way our noses would touch, before we smiled, and turned blind while getting lost in the other's lips.

I missed him so much that afternoon, I didn’t take notice of the sirens that grew louder and louder. I dismissed the ache in my heart as just ‘missing him too much’. I ignored my instinct telling me I should be crying, not daydreaming about our future- even if it was one that could only exist in our dreams.

 

A loud bang interrupted my thoughts.

“Lee Donghae, get the fuck out here right now.”

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. That was Ryeowook’s voice with no doubt. But… the tone sounded so angry and… _devastated_.

“Lee Donghae! Can you fucking hear me? Or have you gone and killed yourself too?!”

I froze.

No, it couldn’t be. What was he saying? I must be so out of it that I was hallucinating. Why would Ryeowook say such a thing-

The door to my bedroom was kicked open and the next thing I knew, I was shoved up against the wall with my collar being grabbed forcefully.

It must have looked kind of funny to anyone watching, since Ryeowook was shorter than me and less fit.

“Are you happy for what you’ve done?! Ever since you appeared, he’s been getting the worse luck he’s ever had in his life. He’s gotten so many injuries, but he can’t even tell you because he doesn’t want to make you fucking worry. Hah. As if you’d even care. I _told_ him, if he keeps continuing like this nothing good will come out of it, but he wouldn’t fucking listen. Did you poison him with something? Lee Donghae? Why does he not listen to anyone but you? What did you give him to make him so attracted to you?”

I blinked slowly, not sure if I was supposed to answer that. Wait. Hyukjae. Where was he? I started to struggle. I needed to see him-

“Hyuk…jae…”

“Don’t you fucking dare say his name! Don't you dare! All thanks to you, he’s…. he’s….”

All of a sudden the pressure on my collar disappeared, and I watched with wide eyes at Ryeowook now sobbing on the floor. I had never seen him this sad before; my instinct told me I should comfort him.

“Hey, it’s alright… shh… we can make it better… don’t cry…”

His shoulders stopped moving up and down, and I thought I had succeeded. Instead, he lifted his head to reveal the most broken look in his eyes I ever saw him have, and laughed bitterly to himself.

“… dead. He’s fucking dead.”

I shook my head. No, he wasn’t. He couldn’t be.

“He’s… his body is at his house.”

No, they made a mistake. That was not him. It couldn’t be.

“If you don’t go now they’ll take him away and trust me, you won’t ever see him again.”

My legs acted before my mouth could respond and I sprinted as fast as I could towards his house, only a few streets away from mine. All the while, the sirens grew louder and closer and my heart sank further with each second that passed. The sky seemed to read my mood, growing darker as angry clouds blocked out the sunlight, all curious as to what had happened.

There was a large mass of people in front and I tried to push through them. Again, I wanted to laugh, because it was not like the movies at all. There was no way I could push through the crowd with them pressing so tightly against each other, and I was not the main character who everyone miraculously made way for.

As I grew more and more desperate, someone recognized me and shouted, “There he is! The murderer boyfriend!”

It was like a dream how a gap opened for me to pass through. I no longer cared about what they had called me because in front was the last thing I ever wanted to see.

His skin tone had always been pale, but not as white as this. He looked like a ghost, one in deep sleep as he lied on the stretcher, ready to be carried into the ambulance van. I forgot how to breathe as I ran forward to catch a last glimpse of him before he left, noticing how one of his wrists was stained a bright red- a stark contrast to the rest of his body.

Then he was gone.

I screamed but no sound came out.

Behind me, someone tapped my shoulder and I met with a pair of furious, but also grief-stricken eyes.

“No matter how much I hate you, this is yours, and I do not ever want to see you again.”

Hyukjae’s mother handed me a crumpled piece of paper before she left. A low rumble echoed above me, drops of tears from heaven starting to accumulate.

I opened the dirty note with trembling fingers, feeling panic taking over. Please don’t be it, please don’t be it, please don’t…

The rain made dark splotches on the flimsy piece of paper, but the words could still be read clearly. My heart scrunched up into a ball, and collapsed in on itself.

 

_To Donghae,_

 

_I’m sorry, but I can’t take it anymore._

_I love you._

 

_Your Hyukkie._

 

***

 

“I really don’t know what to do anymore. I understand what he might be going through, but I don’t know what I can do to help him. Can you help him, Heechul, please?”

“Mrs. Lee, I’ll try. But I’m also not sure.”

“Ok, ok, just go. He’s in his room.”

…

“Donghae? My favourite little brother, how are you feeling? You can trust me, you know. Tell me how you're feeling.”

“Donghae… come on, at least talk to me. Have some food, you haven’t eaten all day.”

“Lee Donghae, do you know how worried your mother is? Do you not even care about her anymore? Eat this right now or I will force you to!”

…

“I’m sorry Mrs. Lee, I tried, but…”

“It’s ok. Thank you, Heechul. I know you’ve been looking after him all these years. But this time… I really don’t know how to help him…”

“… I’m sorry.”

…

***

Click.

One, two, three,

Why didn’t we stop when the whole world warned us? It was our own fault in the end, I suppose.

four, five,

It was my fault you left. You wrote it down. It was all my fault.

six, seven, eight,

These candles are so bright, I can see your smile when I look into them! Hyukjae, do you remember when you said I’d knock over all the candles when I proposed to you?

nine, ten,

Hyukjae, will you marry me? I didn’t knock any of them down!

eleven, twelve, thirteen,

So will you please marry me?

fourteen, fifteen, sixteen,

Wait for me, Hyukjae. I’m coming.

seventeen, eighteen,

Hyukjae, my eyes are getting blurry. Hyukjae, I can't see you anymore. Hyukjae, it feels like I'm going to wake up from a dream. That's what this is, right? This is just a dream, right? When I wake up I will see you beside me, smiling at me, promising you love me, right?

nineteen, twenty...

 

 


	7. Epilogue

He was like charcoal- the fuel that kept them going- reminding them, again and again, why their love was beautiful and deserved happiness.

 

He was like black powder- providing oxygen when they needed to breathe- promising the other that their unchanging love was powerful enough for both their dreams to come true.

 

***

 

[… another suicide has been reported just 9 hours following the first. The body of a 17 year old boy was found in his room as a result of carbon monoxide poisoning from lighting candles in his closed room, while the first body, an 18 year old, was discovered with a slit wrist submerged in a bathtub full of water. It has been suspected that these cases are linked as both are homosexuals, but further investigation needs to be made…]

 

***

 

When they mixed, they produced the biggest and most astounding explosion a firework was capable of being. All who saw it would envy and marvel towards its power, amazed that such a phenomenon existed. But just like a firework, which was destined to last only fleeting seconds, the brilliant colours will inevitably turn to ashes, leaving only memories of its evanescent beauty...

 

just like their love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

In memory of J.T. and his boyfriend, may you two now rest in a peaceful world.


End file.
